One, Two, Thr– Ouch!
by Charisma Brendon
Summary: Xander isn't like other people. He can't stand pain. It hurts him.


**Title:** _One, Two, Thr- Ouch!_  
**Author:** Charisma Brendon/Stocie  
**Summary:** Xander isn't like other people; he can't stand pain. It hurts him.  
**Dedication:** To Lez, but just because it's her birthday.  
**Notes:** Old-school BtVS fic. (Season two, maybe.) Written for Lez. She wanted taping being pulled off really fast, obscenely tight men's clothing, and oddly used props.  
**Word Count**: 1210

The first Halloween that Xander could remember that didn't involve or focus on drunken ramblings or brawls was also the first day he officially met Willow. Despite her somewhat painful shyness, he had been invited to his (and her) first real party.

Okay, so everyone in the class had been invited, but to him, it still counted. That explained how Larry Blaisdell had gotten past security in the form of Ira "What are your intentions with my daughter?" Rosenberg. In an unrelated show of pure, projectile vomit-walls ooze slime-Do you like my leather mask?-666 evil, Larry had shown up dressed as the clown from IT. After he heard Xander comment on how much it freaked him out. Asshole. He would never admit it, but Larry had kick-started his clown phobia. It wasn't his fault that five-year-olds were easily startled by "boo"s and people jumping from behind things. (Jerk.) It also wasn't his fault that Larry's bully gene had kicked in early and he had been a terrifying six-year-old.

The jerk had also pushed him to the ground, skinned his knee and made him cry in front of his "Even-though-she's-a-yucky-girl-and-girl s-have-cooties" crush.

It was funny how history repeated itself, he decided from his position on the ground as Willow fussed over him and Buffy glared daggers at Larry's retreating (and laughing, the bastard) back.

"One of these days, I'll be fighting a vampire and my stake will slip," Buffy commented.

"And bury itself in his big, evil chest?" Xander asked, rising to his feet.

"Buffy! Xander! That's so wrong!" Willow chastised with feigned shock. "You could always show up late instead."

"Maybe I could lock him in a room alone with a demon."

"Hey, here's an idea! How about we stop talking about my continued humiliation at the hands of Larry?" Xander interjected.

"Sorry," Willow and Buffy said sheepishly in unison.

"It's fine. You know what would be great? A shark with a taste for big, dumb, jocky bully-jocks."

"Xander! You jinx! Now Larry will be the only one that monster doesn't eat!"

"Willow, you silly little goose, you! It's not possible for sharks to walk on land, anyway."

"Tell that to him," Buffy instructed with a startled expression akin to Willow's.

"What are you looking at?" He turned around quickly.

Willow giggled and pointed beside the school. "Just the shark with a helmet on. Y'know the way Spongebob does sometimes."

"Just when he goes to visit Sandy," Buffy added.

Xander immediately froze and glared sulkily at the ground. "One, you two suck. Two, stop bringing your imaginary friends to school. Three, watching cartoons before school is bad."

Willow stiffened. "I do not have imaginary shark friends anymore, and I only watch cartoons on Saturday mornings, Xander Lavelle Harris."

Xander triumphantly opened his mouth.

"We don't suck, either," Buffy quickly pointed out.

Xander's mouth closed with a snap. "You are mean, though. I'm injured here!"

Willow rummaged around her book bag before pulling out a neon orange band-aid. "Stay still," she instructed as she dropped to her knees in front of him.

"Hey! What are yo-"

"Get your mind out of the gutter," she playfully scowled before sticking the adhesive side to his scraped knee. "Oops," she said with a frown, and abruptly ripped the bandage off. "Lopsided."

"Ow! The hell?" He tried to back away. "I think you pulled hair out."

She placed the newly positioned bandage over his boo-boo. "There."

"I should be angrier." Xander smoothed his pant leg.

"I know." Willow patted his hand comfortingly. "We'll work on it."

Déjà vu all over again, again. Only the last time it had happened, it was their first day of high school.

"I don't want a neon band-aid for a paper cut."

Willow sighed in frustration. "Well, I don't have any Tweety ones."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I never wear anything with cartoon characters," Xander said loudly for the benefit of the passing cheerleaders.

Willow followed his gaze and rolled her eyes. "I think the obscene Speedo incident already ruined your chances with them."

Xander blushed bright red. "It was laundry day, and you shouldn't have pantsed me anyway."

"I apologized for that! I still maintain that you shouldn't have swimsuits left from your Ninja Turtle phase."

"They weren't that tight."

Willow's laugh was flustered. "Maybe on your end they weren't, but the rest of us could see everything you had. If I ever go gay, I'm blaming that."

"Promises. Empty promises, always."

She rolled her eyes, and went back to reading her book.

→–→–

"How'd you get duct tape stuck to you?"

Xander scowled. "Easily."

Willow sighed. "Okay, how'd you get it stuck to your ass?"

Xander gasped. "I can't believe you said that word!"

Willow flushed. "Don't change the subject."

Xander groaned. "I sat on it. Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to."

She sighed the sigh of the long-suffering sigh. "The things I do for friends," she commented as she hesitantly reached for the edge of the tape. "I think it's safe to say this hurts me more than it hurts you. On three?"

"I bet it doesn't," Xander responded. "Three it is."

"One. Two," Willow counted slowly.

"Just say th- Ouch!" Xander yelped. "Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!"

"You're not getting sympathy from me considering how often this happens."

"I told you it would hurt me more, though."

Willow shook her head. "Physically, it hurt you more. Mentally, I'm further scarred by you."

After he had recovered from the burning pain, he grinned that crooked grin she loved liked in a platonic way. "Admit it. You wouldn't trade it for all the mental health in the world."

"I'm that transparent?" she frowned, worried.

"I just know my Willow."

"That's all well and good, but I'm never pulling tape off your butt again."

→–→–

Xander stood in front of Willow with a blank expression. "Take us to your leader, or we will annihilate all beings with loads of potassium and calcium."

She covered her eyes and turned her head to the sky as if to ask, 'Why me?' Looking back at him, she tried to look stern. "Xander, get the banana peel off your head."

"But I'm an alien!"

Staying annoyed by Xander wasn't as easy as she wished it was, and the hysterical laughter that escaped her mouth wasn't helping matters. If she kept encouraging him, he'd never stop.

With a put-upon sigh, he shook his head to remove the peel. "It stops being fun when you laugh at me."

Guilt. Guilt was bad. "We can play in the sprinklers after school if you want," she offered.

He perked up. "And pretend to be those guys with the red capes? The ones who wave them around and make bulls charge at them?"

"Matadors?"

"Yeah! We can use paper towels! But not Bounty. They'll just soak the little water drop bulls up, and then the towels will get too heavy to hold."

"I'll let you use a real towel."

"Can I use your dad's boxers instead? They'd be more cape-like, y'know."

"That's crossing the line, Xander."

"It could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship?"

"Sure. I guess the other ten years meant nothing?"

"You have to go with the flow, sometimes, homie."

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And that's it, folks. Feedback (no matter what kind) is loved and cherished.


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